EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN

January 16, 2012 Updated

The effects of divorce on children have only been studied for a few decades and the research conclusions are conflicting. Most of the research comes from academic institutions, is based upon a small population sample, and fails to explore all of the dimensions of the children's lives.

What is missing from most research studies is a comparison with the effects on children of living within a bad marriage. There will probably be no end to the debate about which is worse for children, the marital disharmony or the divorce.

Aunt Mollie reminds you that you are a unique individual in all of the world, and so is each of your children. You are not statistics. Just as you are unique, so was your marriage unique. That said, trust your own instincts to discover the effects of your divorce on your children.

Aunt Mollie can tell you three effects of divorce on children that are universal:

1. Pain – It's going to hurt.
2. Stress – Changes are going to happen.
3. Adjustment – Life will go on.

There is no getting around the fact that your divorce will be painful for your children. Divorce was your choice, not theirs.

Unless your marriage was filled with violence or abuse, your children don't want you to divorce. They will experience pain from the moment they know a divorce is underway.

Most of their pain is from what Aunt Mollie calls 'wounded love.' Love is life's most valued treasure and when it is wounded, there is pain. When one parent leaves the family home, love to/from that parent becomes something a child visits but cannot live with day-to-day.

Stress comes more from uncertainty than from anything else. What will happen? What does it mean? Stress is also acutely linked to the lifestyle changes that a divorce brings to children. Adults have difficulty coping with change, and children have greater difficulty. The significant change in the entire family dynamic spills into changes in living arrangements, changes in financial realities, changes with in-law relationships, and perhaps changes in neighborhood and school So many changes happen all at once for children when their parents are divorcing and those changes produce stress.

Your children will adjust to the divorce because they have to, not because they want to. Yes, through the pain, through the stress, the effects of your divorce on your children will ultimately be their adjustment to the after-divorce realities of their lives and that of their parents.

Advice on helping children with the effects of divorce usually focuses on cooperation between parents. Aunt Mollie, however, has found that if spouses could truly cooperate then there probably would not have been a divorce in the first place.

The child's main caregiver is the custodial parent and it is this parent who plays the major role in helping minor children through the divorce. The live-in parent is with the child hour-by-hour, day-by-day, and can instantly intervene with guidance and with love.

Pain and stress are the effects of divorce on children that will result in changes in their behavior. Just as a parent's personality changes during the roller-coaster deterioration of the marriage and the final divorce, so will a child's personality change. Humans aren't made of stone; they are creatures filled with emotions. Remember that coping with pain and stress is something all children must learn to do, not just those affected by divorce.

School Work

Pain and stress are major distractions to the functioning of the human brain. One of the effects of divorce on children can be a lower performance in school. Children often have difficulty concentrating in the classroom when much of their brainpower is taken up by the divorce. Kids aren't underachieving on purpose and they can't turn things around alone. They need a parent's help.

Though a child was not the decision maker in the parents' divorce, a child should be involved in the process of how to tackle his school performance. Ask the child what he thinks would help him. Involve the child in a homework plan. Study with him. Teach him.

If your child is in elementary school, you might want to consider a visit with the child's teacher. Tell the teacher that you are divorcing and would appreciate any extra help the teacher could give to the child. Also ask to be notified if the teacher is aware of new problems the child is having.

If it is possible, solicit the involvement of the other parent in helping the child with schoolwork. Even if your ex lives in a different city, homework help can be given with an internet phone call and a webcam.

Behavior

One of the effects of divorce on children is emotional overload. Fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, shame – These powerful emotions bombard children all at once. Many adults can't adequately deal with their emotions, and children are not equipped to deal with theirs. It is a learning process.

As a coping mechanism, your children might withdraw, become depressed, lash out with angry outbursts, and test the new authority in the single parent home. Teenagers might disconnect from the household and seek solace in drugs, alcohol, or sexual partners.

There is an easy solution to lessening the emotional effects of divorce on children; it is love. There is nothing more powerful to help a child and to teach a child than love.

Love from both parents is the ideal antidote. Love, in word and deed, must be the constant parental response to the child's emotional frustrations.

Aunt Mollie recommends that you encourage your children to talk about what they are feeling and to ask questions about what they don't understand. One way of doing this is by reading age-appropriate books about divorce with your children. To help very young children with the effects of divorce, Aunt Mollie recommends the following best sellers:

• Dinosaurs Divorce by Brown and Brown
• It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear by Lansky

For preteens, get these books:

• A Smart Girl's Guide to Her Parents' Divorce: How to Land on your Feet When Your World Turns Upside Down by Holyoke and Nash
• The Divorce Helpbook for Kids by MacGregor

For teens, find these books:

• Now What Do I Do?: A Guide to Help Teenagers with Their Parents' Separation or Divorce by Cassella-Kapusinski
• The Divorce Helpbook for Teens by MacGregor

And for you, as a parent helping your children cope with the effects of divorce, pick up these books:

• The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Your Children by Banschick and Tabatsky
• Parenting After Divorce by Stahl

It will take time, but your children will adjust to life with divorced parents. At least half of your children's friends have divorced parents, too. The emotional upheavals will subside, changes will stabilize and new routines will establish. The new family dynamic will become the normal, not the feared.

According to Professor Robert Hughes of Ohio State University, 75% to 80% of children will not develop major problems resulting from their parents' divorce. There's a secret to putting your children in the group of kids who have successfully adjusted to their parents' divorce.

Just loving your children is the secret to their adjusting to your divorce. That, and making a hot cup of tea together, is Aunt Mollie's remedy for just about any parent/child trouble. Tea and love warms the body and the soul.

The effort you put into helping your children with the effects of the divorce will be returned to you a hundredfold. When your children are grown, they will be there for you as you were there for them. And that's a promise from Aunt Mollie.

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